the relationship between our mental and physical health still and will always remain the most fascinating thing to me. i have never been more humbled by anything than the panic disorder that visits me a couple times a year. it’s wild to me that one month i can feel so “normal”, capable, and easy going and the next i am secretly terrified, feel like im going to have a heart attack or faint out of nowhere for 30 minutes multiple times a day, and start having to suddenly leave work/yoga classes/grocery stores/hanging with my loved ones (both stressful and not stressful situations) for no explainable reason besides i suddenly think im going to drop dead (wish i was over exaggerating) and i have to disappear before anyone notices that i am internally destroying myself over it. this past month was one of those months. my body was misfiring stress hormones so rapidly and randomly i couldn’t keep up. yes, i practice plenty of breathing exercises and yes, i eat healthy foods and get plenty of sleep. but sometimes, even when i know exactly what’s happening, it beats me and there’s nothing i can do about it besides ride it out. i know we hear things like “be thankful for your health” and “be thankful for today” so much that we’ve become numb to what that truly means but seriously... try. because in the weeks/months that i spend accidentally driving myself crazy and then angrily crying myself to sleep each night because i don’t know how to stop the cycle, i would give anything to feel “normal” for more than an hour. its scary, frustrating, heartbreaking, takes a toll on my body, makes me feel like a little girl again, and at times - completely takes over my life. point is, im thankful for my health today. im thankful that i don’t feel scared. im thankful that it feels safe to breathe and im not dizzy and it doesn’t feel like my mind and body are failing me. im thankful to be in the world and out of my head. & im thankful for the patience, acceptance, and compassion that this continues to teach me every day.
one of my favorite pictures ive taken. we took the kids (who i babysat at the time but now are like family) away for a couple days in the van. we swam in trillium lake, played on slack lines, chased some butterflies, cooked dinner over the fire and ate way too many s’mores, cuddled all morning because it was chillier than we expected (classic), got cereal from the gas station for breakfast - poured milk in - and ate it from the box in true van life fashion, and we laughed. a. lot. really special trip with really special people.